I've recently been able to start talking about my past, boy am I regreting it. I really didn't mean to scare you off, i'm still the same person. Don't let the mistakes of others affect how you see me. I'm not fragile, i'm not scared. If you are feeling something, talk to me about it. I have to be one of the easiest people to talk to. I'm not going to judge you, i'm not going to blame you. I'm trying my hardest to start over, but in order to do that I have to be open about my past. Shit happens. It completely sucked, but it's over.
I've dealt with crazy people who have NO clue how to hold any sort of relationship with another person for way to long. Communiation is key. Tell me what you're thinking, I want to know. I want to try and understand you. This goes for all sorts of relationships. The worst thing you can do is ignore it, run away from it. Please, don't.
A few tears get past me every once in a while, I drink a little more than I should & I tend to overthink most situtations, but I will never take it out on you. I love meeting new people, getting to know them. I can promise you I will never use you, or hurt you. I know all to well how that feels. I will always tell you what I'm thinking or how i'm feeling. I forgave the people in my past, they don't have a hold on me anymore. So please, don't feel sorry for me. It's okay, no really...It's okay, i'm okay.
Get to know me, all of me. I don't just like to party :) While partying is fun, I also love the small things in life. I've learned to appreciate them more. I love nights on the beach, nothing but a blanket and the stars. I love trying new things, I have to admit i'm kind of an adrenaline junkie. I love spending an entire day in bed with a good book. I love the moments you share with another person.
The moments when everything in the world is right where it should be.
You know
what I love about cookies? Don’t worry, I’ll tell you. (FYI, there are about 12134234 pictures of cookies) I love that it’s very hard to screw up a
cookie (even though I've completely done itJ) it took work! I love that you can decide whether
you want the cookie to be chewy or fluffy, crispy or doughy. I love that no matter how hard you try each
cookie is a little different. I love the
process of cookies, each the same; beat sugars and butter, add eggs, sift
together dry ingredients and fold in.
You do this, and cookies will appear!
You must
be wondering why I’m talking about cookies like they’re my ‘significant other’.
(Well I would be wondering...hehe) I’ve
forgotten how it feels to bake for the hell of it. Going into the kitchen and throwing stuff
together, knowing exactly what you’re doing.
Knowing that you have control over how this turns out.
I look
back on why I really started baking/cooking, and that has a lot to do with
it. I never really had much control over
what happened with the world around me when I was younger (Not that I have much
control now either). But, being able to
control the outcome of something made those hours in the kitchen magical.
You go
through life and tend to lose touch with who you really are. I’ve had a lot of decisions made for me
recently, I was forced into situations I did not want to be in. I gave up on trying to control things,
including baking. I didn’t think it was
worth pursuing.
Some
people say it’s just food, or its just cooking.
To me it’s more than that; it’s a way of life. If you give it a chance, it can save you like
it’s saving me.
You know someone actually thought
I was ze Russian Terrorist yes? Yup, little old me J Background checks were done. Just FYI…you know since Russian's love cookies :) haha
Have you
ever had a moment in life when everything just sort of fell into place? I’m not talking money appearing out of no
where or a new car in the driveway. I’m talking mentally; you just knew what
you needed to do and where you wanted to be.
That happened to me very recently, and I have a 6 year old little boy to
thank.
Caleb (my
nephew) always begs me to lay down with him while he goes to sleep. I feel bad;
lately I haven’t been in the mood to do anything with anyone. But the other night, I couldn’t resist that
little face. I laid down next to him
while his mom tucked him in and shut off the lights. Of course as soon as mom is out of the room
he comes crawling over to my side of the bed wanting to chat. But, instead of talking about toys and school
like he normally does, he just put his head on my shoulder and says “I’m glad
you’re here, even if you are sad”. He
then yawned and instantly fell asleep.
My heart shattered into a million pieces.
I’ve been
so stuck on the bad parts that I forget to hold on to the good. In my mind family isn’t what it used to be,
but to him; it’s just beginning. I’m his
family. He’s always been here, growing
each day and I’m missing that. I’ve been
so stuck in the past and it’s destroying me.
I’ve mentally checked out of life and it’s about damn time that I check
back in. I still have a lot to work on that’s for sure, but knowing that there
is still that innocence out there, that tiny bit of hope; that’s what makes it
all worth it.
(Side note: Before he goes to sleep
every night I ask him “How much do I love you?” & he always answers “To the
moon and back”)
Make sure
they know exactly how much you love them.
Interviews are always nerve-wrecking.
I’m talking sweaty palms, weak knees, unable to say a full sentence; so going
to this one was no different. At least I thought.
We had been in contact for a couple
of days, emails a few phone calls. I had
arranged to drop by his home office early evening around 6:30ish. I
arrive (luckily my sister drove me) and
walk up to the door to a sign that says “I am hard of hearing, if I don’t
answer just come on in”. So, I ring the bell twice just in case; no answer.
Reluctantly I open the door and immediately start calling out ‘Hello’s’, I look
to the right to see an older gentlemen (probably
late 60’s) sitting in an office. He
looks up immediately and a giant smile comes across his face. As I approach him he holds out his hand and
says “You’re everything I could have expected”.
Shy from his comment I smile sweetly and mumble and thanks.
He leads me to the dining room for
our interview, as I sit down he offers ‘Vodka’ (to answer your question, yes, straight up out of the bottle vodka,
over ice). I politely decline and to
my surprise he is stunned. He responds
with “What, you don’t drink?!” “Yes I drink, but I’m okay thanks”. So already on edge we get going with the
interview. He asks me about myself, I
start rambling little things like where I went to school, my previous
jobs…etc. He then continues by saying
“Listen, if you don’t like doing something we can hire someone else” With this
comment, I’m thinking he means cleaning, cooking, hell maybe evening gardening.
Boy I was wrong; though I wasn’t yet aware of this. I'm assuming now he didn't want to say to much before I signed an NDA.
Another 5 or so minutes go by while
we are talking about previous jobs, schools…etc. He then offers to give me a tour of his
humble abode. We rise from the dining
table and to my surprise first stop on this lovely tour is his bedroom. The moment the door opens my stomach clenches
in a horrible way and bile rises in my throat.
In the middle of a rather large bedroom in a huge California king four poster bed
with red velvet and silk sheets with fur throws. Lights are wrapped around the posts followed
by pieces of velvety fabric. My eyes
dart around the room; there are cameras and lights everywhere. I look up to the walls that are covered with
flat screens and pictures of naked women in provocative positions on his bed. (Side note: I noticed none of these women in
the pictures were conscious). Numb
with shock, I then follow him to the bathroom where more pictures reside on the
walls of women bent over on the side of the bathtub and lying on the bathroom
floor, again none of them seem to be awake. (I
am silently praising myself for not taking up his offer on the drink).
We then head out of the “Red room of
pain” (props to the ones who know where
that’s from, but this is a literal version & I’m sad to say his ripped
jeans didn’t have the same affect). As
we stroll out onto the back patio towards the pool he sways toward me and
whispers “Feel free to take a dip in the pool on your breaks” while pointing to
a sign that says No clothes necessary. I.am.going.to.vomit! We are still on the back patio and I’m aware
he’s talking but I’m not sure exactly what he’s saying UNTIL I hear the words
‘nude photographer’ I then gape at him, I’m sure my mouth was open, possibly
drool dripping from the sides. He eyes
me for a moment (or should I say EYE, singular, seeing as one of his eyes
doesn’t blink…it creeps me the hell out; you know, on top of everything else). He then points to a naked statue of David standing in his backyard. He is giggling at the fact that I’m temporarily
stuck in this gaping position and have no idea what to say. He then leans in towards me and whispers
“Were very liberal around here”.
That was it.
I break my temporary paralyses and
head back toward the dining room. I pick
up my purse and look him in the ‘eye’ and say “I’m sure you have other people
to interview, I must be going”. He is a
bit taken aback by my quick tone and returns with “Sounds good, I will give you
my card and we will be in touch, let me walk you out honey”. I practically run towards the front door as
he hands me his card, he gentle says “We’ll be in touch” I close the door and
shout “UMM, no we will not!”
Once out of the house I jump in
Julie’s car and scream DRIVE. NOW!
What the hell? Why me? I look back at this experience and have to
laugh! I mean come on, this is just my luck.
So, if I can take anything from this experience, it’s “never just walk
into a hard of hearing persons home”. No wait, umm “never agree to take the
tour”. Maybe, “drink the vodka, it will make you stronger”. Well, whichever one it may be, I’m sure I
won’t make the same mistake next time.
I haven’t
written in a while; maybe it’s because I have nothing to write about. My life is, well you'll see,
starting over can be a hard thing to do.
Let’s
start with boot-camp shall we. My sister
Julie and I have recently begun our “road to health”. It’s currently day 7 of boot-camp and I’m
really enjoying it. You see, Julie and I
are very different yet very alike. Different
because she is a super healthy eater; I’m talking this girl could be vegan
& me, well not so much. A difference
with me is I LOVE to workout, exercise just makes me happy & the endorphins
aren't bad either. So when we’re together
its great J she helps me with the eating, and
I help her with the boot-camp. I’m
hoping to be where I want to be by the New Year. New Year; new me!
You know,
these past couple of months have been nothing but chaotic. I’ve been to more than 5 states, stayed long
periods of time in 3 of them. I saw a
new branch of the Art Institute, ate the best burger of my life, discovered
family isn’t what I thought it was (or confirmed it’s exactly what I thought it
was), lost a part of me, found a part of me, baked lots of bread, made videos
to depressing Celine Dion songs, ate more than I should of, cried (a lot),
became closer with my best friend, experienced the most comfortable bed on
planet earth, watched an abundant amount of movies, cussed out invisible
people, re-united with the power of the speedy rewards card, went from Sussi to
Jessie, took my first bus trip (missed the first one and had to buy another
ticket may I add), took every wrong
exit, shared a beer with my daddy, drove a boat for the first time, competed in more than one ‘Olympic’
event, discovered scars don’t go away
easily, befriended cats, acted as a lawyer for my grandparents, came
face to face with the baked bean sandwich and drank way to much soda.
Now, let
me just say; some of those moments are completely unforgettable. The image of me jumping on the “most
comfortable bed on planet earth” screaming HATERS IN THE BUILDING is just one
of many. A friend once said she doesn’t
believe that everything happens for a reason; I gotta say, I’m with her on
that. Sometimes life just hands you “shitfest
2012” and there is no reason at all. Know
that sometimes it’s just not your fault.
You couldn’t have done anything differently; you couldn’t have made it
stop.
I believe
there are two types of people; emotional thinkers and logical thinkers. I am
100% an emotional thinker and believe me; it gets me into trouble A LOT! My
best friend is a logical thinker, if it weren’t for her I would be in the deep
end ALL THE TIME! She’s helped through a lot, gotten me out of
tough situations, and listened to me for hours on end repeat the same
conversation. She is so not emotional
(hehe, love you), so I want to take the time to really thank her. Thank you ‘weezer’, if it weren’t for you
they would have committed me a long time ago.
You’ve always been there even when I’m a giant emotional childish pain
in the ass. No matter what anyone says,
you’re my voodoo queen J Love you!
Well that
blog turned out to be more random than I expected. Well that’s what you get; me
throwing up my thoughts and emotions.
Moving on can be hard,
even painful. Having to leave all the
memories behind; even the good. I tell
myself it’s easier to deal with the pain of the bad just to remember the good. I can’t stand the thought of completely
forgetting these past 18 months. So much
happened, people happened; I had my world & the one’s I loved in it.
I’ve become so hard these
past few months. If you knew me before,
you would know I was “innocent” sort of speak. I could never stay mad at
anyone, or be mean to anyone. I loved
life & everyone in it; I had a desire for adventure & trying new
things. I was so easy to get along with
or become friends with. Nowadays I’m so
mad at the world people have to “tip-toe” around me. No one can tell me what to do or how to act;
I feel like they are trying to control me, trying to tell me how to live my
life & that instantly pisses me off.
I really don’t mean to be like that, I feel like I have to be on guard
all the time. I am having a hard time
trusting anyone or letting anyone in. I
don’t want them to know too much about me, it will make me vulnerable &
easy to hurt.
I need a new me, and
that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
I’m growing my hair out; tattoos are right around the corner! I’m
joining forces with my amazing sister & starting up “boot-camp”. I want to
start living again; I have been shutdown for way to long. My blog has been soppy & depressing, I am
so NOT that person. I really do love life
& everything in it. I know people
have rough spots, “bumps” in the road; I don’t want to be there anymore. I don’t want to be the girl that cries for no
reason, and hurts herself because that’s the only thing she thinks she can
control. I don’t want to be the girl who
is scared of moving on; because she doesn’t think anyone else could love her or
accept her. I don’t want to be the girl
that settles for “okay” when I know she can be great! I don’t want to be that girl, so from this
moment on I’m not going to be.
It’s definitely going to
be a lot of work. You can’t just wake up
a different person (well most of us).
You have to start somewhere,
And I decided to start
by heading back to school. I am super excited about this, I miss it so
much. I can’t wait for a “fresh”
start. I miss the feeling of
accomplishment & boy do I miss the teachers. I’ve also decided that once I’ve completed CulinarySchool, I’m going to stay
& do film school. I really do love
the area that I’m in & *smiles big* THE BEACH!
There is a lot about this
past year and a half that I’ve loved. I
have learned a lot about myself, being 21 and living on your own, you are going
to learn a lot. You have to make
decisions on your own, decide what’s best for you. I feel like I could have handled a lot of
things better when I was on my own.
Relationships got messy, really messy.
That door is still open for me, totally not an invitation; I’m just
having a really hard time closing it.
When you develop a lot of yourself around a
group of people then all of a sudden no one’s there anymore, it’s hard to get
used to; to be alone. They know so much
about me, they’ve been with me through so much.
I never wanted to shut them out, now I think it’s just best. It all comes back to moving on, getting on
with life. Yes, we had some amazing
times, but it’s over now. It’s okay to
forget them. Honestly it kinds feels
like they died; that sounds extremely horrible, but it was so sudden. One second they were in my life, the next
they weren’t. I just don’t know how else
to handle it, then to just completely shut them out. Someone once told me that they didn’t have to
talk to me for a year and we would still be friends. That’s not friends to me; you can’t NOT be a
part of someone’s life for a whole year and still consider them a
“friend”. That’s just not how it works;
in my mind. I know everyone is
different; but really? A year? To me
that sounds like they just didn’t want me in their lives anymore; and that’s
fine, totally fine, but just tell me. Okay, I’m done ranting about that,
definitely something I have to work on.
SIDE NOTE:
Just to let everyone know,
I am currently writing this in a bar in a city I’ve never been to before, and
I’m pretty sure it’s a little “ghetto”.
I’m not sure how to handle this, I am completely by myself & kind of
terrified. *nervous laugh* At least they have beer J
So where am I in
life? I am in the middle of some huge
changes, and like me and my “owner” like to call it SHITFEST 2012. But, with that said, I’m also still me. I have a goal & I will achieve it. From this day on I’m going to work my hardest
on concentrating on MY life, and what I want to do. I’m not going to allow other people to affect
me like I have been. I’m not going to be
controlled by anyone, or belittled by anyone.
From this day on, I’m going to be Jessica & nothing less! J
I’ve been
told a lot lately that I’ve been living “my” life in the wrong ways. “My” life; aren’t I supposed to live it the
way I see fit. I’ve recently fallen into
myself, finding out what I like; what I don’t like. Seeing what I believe in; and what I question. These things are part of our journey, part of
growing into the people we want to be.
Having someone tell you that you’re not a good person to “look up to”
because of some of the choices you made; hurts.
I am SO sorry that you can’t believe the things I say because of the way
I was raised. I didn’t have a choice in
that matter, and I’ve done absolutely nothing to you to deserve that. That’s completely wrong to put that sort of
judgment on me; and you know it.
I’ve
gotten to the point in my life when someone says something I don’t agree with;
I tell them. I can’t sit back and allow
people to criticize my life; they have absolutely NO idea who I am. They are so focused on what they see and read
on facebook, that by the time I talk to them; they’ve already made up on their
minds on me. People talk shit of
facebook; its kinda what it’s for! If
you have a problem with something call me; message me. DO SOMETHING! Don’t sit there and assume that
you know what’s going on; act on it. If
you really wanted a relationship you would put forth an effort to have
one.
I’m gonna
be completely honest here; I drink, I used to smoke, I cuss like a sailor when
the timing is right & NO I don’t care what you think. I’m 21; yes, you were 21 at some point; yes. That doesn’t give you a right to tell me how
I’m thinking. Everything is different,
everyone is different. I plan on having
an amazing life; living it to the fullest; enjoying moments while I can. I know exactly where I want to be in 5 years,
10 years. I know who I want to be.
Another
issue that’s been pushed on me a lot lately is God. I was raised in a Baptist church. I watched
the congregation judge everyone who didn’t fall into line. I also watched my
family explode from the inside out; all the while claiming to be
Christians. (This is by no means a hit
on my family, these are my personal beliefs.)
People are people to me. Yes I believe in God; but I also believe that
all religions are the same. They all
want something bigger to believe in. The
world is such a harsh place, and they need something to comfort them;
someone. I don’t believe in “organized
religion” I don’t believe you have to be in church to be a good person.
I believe
there is more to this world than people want to admit. If I’ve learned nothing over this past year
or so; I’ve learned that the universe has a lot to offer. Put positive energy into the world, and that
is what you will get back; same with negative.
Religious people are nothing but negative, bashing others; just because
they’re different. Who cares who you
love; love is love whether it is with a women or a man; black or white it
doesn’t matter. At least it shouldn’t
matter; but the world nowadays is so filled with hate, and most of that hate is
coming from these religious groups, telling people how they should live. Saying who is “right” and who is “wrong”. So what do I believe in? Where do I stand? I
stand for what’s right in MY eyes; and that’s how it’s always going to be.
So, to
wrap things up I guess I’ll just say this.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry you feel so
unsatisfied with your own life that you need to try and run mine. I’m sorry you can’t just love someone for who
they are. (Actions speak louder than
words; you said that yourself…remember?)
I’m sorry that you will never truly understand who I am, because you’re
not willing to take the time too. I’m
sorry you don’t believe the things I’ve told you; even though they were
extremely hard to tell. I’m sorry that
we will never really have a relationship; did we ever? And I’m sorry that all I can do is feel
“sorry”…for you.
You know, I wonder if you
hurt at all; knowing that I left. I gave
everything to you in that friendship (or whatever it was). You act so hard, so tough; like you don’t
care. Deep down I know you do, I know you
have to have some feeling towards me.
Now, what that feeling is I’m not sure.
I’ve heard it said that friendships are when someone is willing to do
anything for you and you for them. They
are supposed to be there in your highs and lows, the good times and the
bad. So tell me, when things got bad for
me, why did you run? Why did you just
give up on me? I would never give up on you, and you know that. I’ve never been actually scared of anyone, and
that night, (the night we talked) I was scared of you. The look of complete disconnect, watching our
friendship crumble to the ground with zero emotion. How?
After everything we’ve been through, talked about? I don’t get it; I don’t get how you can hate
me that much.
You’ve done a lot for me, I
know that & I appreciate it more than you know. But, that doesn’t give you the right to just
drop me like a bad habit when you get “uncomfortable”. I invested a lot in this relationship, and I
don’t walk away or give up easily.
Friendships have rough spots, which is how it goes, that’s life. I was and am in a tough spot in my life. Not knowing which direction to turn in, which
road to walk down. I could have used
someone to help me, to take advice from.
You have to remember, I’m young yes, but I’m also different from
you. Not everyone thinks like you, or
makes decisions like you, or handles stress like you. We are all different, but you knew that
getting into this relationship. You used
to tell me that’s what you loved about me; my different aspect on things;
life.
I asked you once “Why did you
become my friend?” and you couldn’t answer.
Why? Why couldn’t you answer? I
know you know why. I know why I became your friend. You were filled with amazing energy; you had
this draw to you. You were sweet &
kind, & accepted people for exactly who they were. You encouraged change & exposure. You took risks, and didn’t take shit from
anyone; and you were an extreme dork! I
love all of those things about you; I know you still have them. They are buried by sadness, fear, the
unknown. Look at a picture of you when
we first met, & look at one now.
That’s not you; I don’t even recognize that person. You look so sad, so lost.
This is 100% not a hate
letter; I want you to know that. I’m not
picking on you or putting you down. I’m
letting you know that after everything, I’m still me & you hurt me. You made me feel like complete shit, and like
what I felt didn’t even matter. You went
from being this amazing person, someone I could trust my life with, to someone
I could barely look in the eyes without being scared. You completely lost YOU, if only you didn’t
shut me out. I’m kind of great at being
there for people. I could have been there
for you.
As I sit
here alone drinking a bud light (which has been a new thing) and eating ben
& jerry’s half baked ice cream I think to myself; Jesus Christ my life has
gotten pathetic. It’s amazing how easy
it is to go from “wow, my life is great” to well….shit! I seem to have lost
more than I’ve gained over the past few months.
One of the biggest is school. I’ve bitched and moaned more than anyone when
it came time to go to class, but deep down it was where I loved being. It’s where I met some amazing people, people
that have taught me so much in life and have been there for me even though they’ve
only just started getting to know me.
Now that I’ve been forced out, a piece of me went with it.
I used to know where I was going, I could see
what I wanted and I knew one day I was going to get it. (side note: did you see how many I’s were in
that sentence)
Now I look
down the road, and there’s nothing but a blurred sense of reality, a dull glow
left from what used to be my dreams. I
literally have no clue where I want to go from here. I have so many ideas, no really SOOOOOO many
ideas, just ask my friends; they’ll tell ya.
I want to be a better person; no I need to be a better person. I have zero self satisfaction. I feel like I’ve failed on many levels, and
now I’m just a weight having to be carried by the better people in my
life. (Side note: I am writing this in
the dining room of our extremely creepy yet lovely house.. in the dark..
alone.. and I swear I just saw something. Okay sussi, just breathe.. wooohh)
I am 21, this mid-life crisis crap isn't suppose to happen yet. Wait? Do girls get mid-life crisis's? hmmm..
Anyways, why does bad always seem to outweigh the good?Why does this have to happen WHEN I’m supposed to be having the best years of my life?I just don’t get it, I don’t get why drama
has to envelop my life.I feel like that
horrible girl that no one wants to hang out with because she’s always one step
away from reality TV. (side note: this
is the type of shit that happens when I get left alone with alcohol)As I move on to round two with bud and shovel
another spoonful of creamy goodness down my throat I realize that sentence
sounded a lot like the first one.Oh
well!
I've never been considered a good writer, so why in the hell am I starting a blog; beats me. I need to figure out where I want to be in life, I'm hoping this'll help. We shall find out soon enough. So, a little about me. I grew up moving around a lot (now when I say a lot, I mean over 30 times). Not an army brat, parents just couldn't make up there minds (sorry parents). Moving around a lot caused me to switch schools, finally at high school I gave up; and began homeschooling. I grew up sheltered, was forced to go to church, never really seeing what life had to offer. Not saying I don't believe in God, but I believe there's more to the story. Now, let me just say, I loved my childhood. Innocence is bliss, I never really knew that until I grew up.
So, now i'm 21, moved out of the house & in with friends, i'm really starting to experience life & what it has to offer. I'm not tied down in any way, and that is liberating.
I love life & want to seek adventure & the unknown; I want to find truth & love. I want to discover other cultures, and befriend my neighbors. I want the world to learn from my mistakes, and triumph at my victories. I want to be loved in a way that even my enemies would feel passion.
I want to not sweat the smalls things, but enjoy them.
I want people to know they can trust me with their deepest secrets without judgment.
When I cry, I want people to know it has meaning.
When I laugh, they won't be able to resist being happy.
I want the world to see something in me.
See somebody that's worth it.
I want the world to see what I'm really capable of.
