Moving on can be hard,
even painful. Having to leave all the
memories behind; even the good. I tell
myself it’s easier to deal with the pain of the bad just to remember the good. I can’t stand the thought of completely
forgetting these past 18 months. So much
happened, people happened; I had my world & the one’s I loved in it.
I’ve become so hard these
past few months. If you knew me before,
you would know I was “innocent” sort of speak. I could never stay mad at
anyone, or be mean to anyone. I loved
life & everyone in it; I had a desire for adventure & trying new
things. I was so easy to get along with
or become friends with. Nowadays I’m so
mad at the world people have to “tip-toe” around me. No one can tell me what to do or how to act;
I feel like they are trying to control me, trying to tell me how to live my
life & that instantly pisses me off.
I really don’t mean to be like that, I feel like I have to be on guard
all the time. I am having a hard time
trusting anyone or letting anyone in. I
don’t want them to know too much about me, it will make me vulnerable &
easy to hurt.
I need a new me, and
that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
I’m growing my hair out; tattoos are right around the corner! I’m
joining forces with my amazing sister & starting up “boot-camp”. I want to
start living again; I have been shutdown for way to long. My blog has been soppy & depressing, I am
so NOT that person. I really do love life
& everything in it. I know people
have rough spots, “bumps” in the road; I don’t want to be there anymore. I don’t want to be the girl that cries for no
reason, and hurts herself because that’s the only thing she thinks she can
control. I don’t want to be the girl who
is scared of moving on; because she doesn’t think anyone else could love her or
accept her. I don’t want to be the girl
that settles for “okay” when I know she can be great! I don’t want to be that girl, so from this
moment on I’m not going to be.
It’s definitely going to
be a lot of work. You can’t just wake up
a different person (well most of us).
You have to start somewhere,
And I decided to start
by heading back to school. I am super excited about this, I miss it so
much. I can’t wait for a “fresh”
start. I miss the feeling of
accomplishment & boy do I miss the teachers. I’ve also decided that once I’ve completed Culinary School
There is a lot about this
past year and a half that I’ve loved. I
have learned a lot about myself, being 21 and living on your own, you are going
to learn a lot. You have to make
decisions on your own, decide what’s best for you. I feel like I could have handled a lot of
things better when I was on my own.
Relationships got messy, really messy.
That door is still open for me, totally not an invitation; I’m just
having a really hard time closing it.
When you develop a lot of yourself around a
group of people then all of a sudden no one’s there anymore, it’s hard to get
used to; to be alone. They know so much
about me, they’ve been with me through so much.
I never wanted to shut them out, now I think it’s just best. It all comes back to moving on, getting on
with life. Yes, we had some amazing
times, but it’s over now. It’s okay to
forget them. Honestly it kinds feels
like they died; that sounds extremely horrible, but it was so sudden. One second they were in my life, the next
they weren’t. I just don’t know how else
to handle it, then to just completely shut them out. Someone once told me that they didn’t have to
talk to me for a year and we would still be friends. That’s not friends to me; you can’t NOT be a
part of someone’s life for a whole year and still consider them a
“friend”. That’s just not how it works;
in my mind. I know everyone is
different; but really? A year? To me
that sounds like they just didn’t want me in their lives anymore; and that’s
fine, totally fine, but just tell me. Okay, I’m done ranting about that,
definitely something I have to work on.
Just to let everyone know,
I am currently writing this in a bar in a city I’ve never been to before, and
I’m pretty sure it’s a little “ghetto”.
I’m not sure how to handle this, I am completely by myself & kind of
terrified. *nervous laugh* At least they have beer J
So where am I in
life? I am in the middle of some huge
changes, and like me and my “owner” like to call it SHITFEST 2012. But, with that said, I’m also still me. I have a goal & I will achieve it. From this day on I’m going to work my hardest
on concentrating on MY life, and what I want to do. I’m not going to allow other people to affect
me like I have been. I’m not going to be
controlled by anyone, or belittled by anyone.
From this day on, I’m going to be Jessica & nothing less! J
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