You know, I was gonna write a blog about how life is full of
broken hearts and all that bullshit. But you know what? FUCK IT! Life is
awesome! Shit happens, what are you gonna do?
Let me tell you, you’re going to move the FUCK ON! Get over it!! The past is the past. People suck, come to terms with it. You are going to run into people that are
going to screw you over. You flip’em off
and walk your bad self in the other direction.
Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re living your
life wrong. You hear that?? YOUR
life! Be you, be happy.
I have a lot of good things to look forward too! I’m moving in with great people! Work is
going amazing, promotions are in site. I
have awesome friends!J I’m
21, life is just beginning! I’m done
living in the past, done with everyone who can’t handle relationships. I’m ready to take chances, experience new
things! Say YES to something crazy! (don’t
get any ideas ;D) Sometimes you have to
let yourself go to find out who you really are. So be a dork, be crazy! Do care about what people think of you, or how they see you. Don't let anyone get in the way of your happiness.
*Raise your glass*
So here’s to
saying goodbye to the past!
Here’s to
officially starting the New Year!
Here’s to
letting all the bullshit go!
Here’s to
surrounding yourself with great people!
& here's to making mustaches out of puff pastry!
It’s 2013
BITCHES! We’re young & hot!! Let’s have some fun!
I've recently been able to start talking about my past, boy am I regreting it. I really didn't mean to scare you off, i'm still the same person. Don't let the mistakes of others affect how you see me. I'm not fragile, i'm not scared. If you are feeling something, talk to me about it. I have to be one of the easiest people to talk to. I'm not going to judge you, i'm not going to blame you. I'm trying my hardest to start over, but in order to do that I have to be open about my past. Shit happens. It completely sucked, but it's over.
I've dealt with crazy people who have NO clue how to hold any sort of relationship with another person for way to long. Communiation is key. Tell me what you're thinking, I want to know. I want to try and understand you. This goes for all sorts of relationships. The worst thing you can do is ignore it, run away from it. Please, don't.
A few tears get past me every once in a while, I drink a little more than I should & I tend to overthink most situtations, but I will never take it out on you. I love meeting new people, getting to know them. I can promise you I will never use you, or hurt you. I know all to well how that feels. I will always tell you what I'm thinking or how i'm feeling. I forgave the people in my past, they don't have a hold on me anymore. So please, don't feel sorry for me. It's okay, no really...It's okay, i'm okay.
Get to know me, all of me. I don't just like to party :) While partying is fun, I also love the small things in life. I've learned to appreciate them more. I love nights on the beach, nothing but a blanket and the stars. I love trying new things, I have to admit i'm kind of an adrenaline junkie. I love spending an entire day in bed with a good book. I love the moments you share with another person.
The moments when everything in the world is right where it should be.
You know
what I love about cookies? Don’t worry, I’ll tell you. (FYI, there are about 12134234 pictures of cookies) I love that it’s very hard to screw up a
cookie (even though I've completely done itJ) it took work! I love that you can decide whether
you want the cookie to be chewy or fluffy, crispy or doughy. I love that no matter how hard you try each
cookie is a little different. I love the
process of cookies, each the same; beat sugars and butter, add eggs, sift
together dry ingredients and fold in.
You do this, and cookies will appear!
You must
be wondering why I’m talking about cookies like they’re my ‘significant other’.
(Well I would be wondering...hehe) I’ve
forgotten how it feels to bake for the hell of it. Going into the kitchen and throwing stuff
together, knowing exactly what you’re doing.
Knowing that you have control over how this turns out.
I look
back on why I really started baking/cooking, and that has a lot to do with
it. I never really had much control over
what happened with the world around me when I was younger (Not that I have much
control now either). But, being able to
control the outcome of something made those hours in the kitchen magical.
You go
through life and tend to lose touch with who you really are. I’ve had a lot of decisions made for me
recently, I was forced into situations I did not want to be in. I gave up on trying to control things,
including baking. I didn’t think it was
worth pursuing.
Some
people say it’s just food, or its just cooking.
To me it’s more than that; it’s a way of life. If you give it a chance, it can save you like
it’s saving me.
You know someone actually thought
I was ze Russian Terrorist yes? Yup, little old me J Background checks were done. Just FYI…you know since Russian's love cookies :) haha
Have you
ever had a moment in life when everything just sort of fell into place? I’m not talking money appearing out of no
where or a new car in the driveway. I’m talking mentally; you just knew what
you needed to do and where you wanted to be.
That happened to me very recently, and I have a 6 year old little boy to
thank.
Caleb (my
nephew) always begs me to lay down with him while he goes to sleep. I feel bad;
lately I haven’t been in the mood to do anything with anyone. But the other night, I couldn’t resist that
little face. I laid down next to him
while his mom tucked him in and shut off the lights. Of course as soon as mom is out of the room
he comes crawling over to my side of the bed wanting to chat. But, instead of talking about toys and school
like he normally does, he just put his head on my shoulder and says “I’m glad
you’re here, even if you are sad”. He
then yawned and instantly fell asleep.
My heart shattered into a million pieces.
I’ve been
so stuck on the bad parts that I forget to hold on to the good. In my mind family isn’t what it used to be,
but to him; it’s just beginning. I’m his
family. He’s always been here, growing
each day and I’m missing that. I’ve been
so stuck in the past and it’s destroying me.
I’ve mentally checked out of life and it’s about damn time that I check
back in. I still have a lot to work on that’s for sure, but knowing that there
is still that innocence out there, that tiny bit of hope; that’s what makes it
all worth it.
(Side note: Before he goes to sleep
every night I ask him “How much do I love you?” & he always answers “To the
moon and back”)
Make sure
they know exactly how much you love them.
Interviews are always nerve-wrecking.
I’m talking sweaty palms, weak knees, unable to say a full sentence; so going
to this one was no different. At least I thought.
We had been in contact for a couple
of days, emails a few phone calls. I had
arranged to drop by his home office early evening around 6:30ish. I
arrive (luckily my sister drove me) and
walk up to the door to a sign that says “I am hard of hearing, if I don’t
answer just come on in”. So, I ring the bell twice just in case; no answer.
Reluctantly I open the door and immediately start calling out ‘Hello’s’, I look
to the right to see an older gentlemen (probably
late 60’s) sitting in an office. He
looks up immediately and a giant smile comes across his face. As I approach him he holds out his hand and
says “You’re everything I could have expected”.
Shy from his comment I smile sweetly and mumble and thanks.
He leads me to the dining room for
our interview, as I sit down he offers ‘Vodka’ (to answer your question, yes, straight up out of the bottle vodka,
over ice). I politely decline and to
my surprise he is stunned. He responds
with “What, you don’t drink?!” “Yes I drink, but I’m okay thanks”. So already on edge we get going with the
interview. He asks me about myself, I
start rambling little things like where I went to school, my previous
jobs…etc. He then continues by saying
“Listen, if you don’t like doing something we can hire someone else” With this
comment, I’m thinking he means cleaning, cooking, hell maybe evening gardening.
Boy I was wrong; though I wasn’t yet aware of this. I'm assuming now he didn't want to say to much before I signed an NDA.
Another 5 or so minutes go by while
we are talking about previous jobs, schools…etc. He then offers to give me a tour of his
humble abode. We rise from the dining
table and to my surprise first stop on this lovely tour is his bedroom. The moment the door opens my stomach clenches
in a horrible way and bile rises in my throat.
In the middle of a rather large bedroom in a huge California king four poster bed
with red velvet and silk sheets with fur throws. Lights are wrapped around the posts followed
by pieces of velvety fabric. My eyes
dart around the room; there are cameras and lights everywhere. I look up to the walls that are covered with
flat screens and pictures of naked women in provocative positions on his bed. (Side note: I noticed none of these women in
the pictures were conscious). Numb
with shock, I then follow him to the bathroom where more pictures reside on the
walls of women bent over on the side of the bathtub and lying on the bathroom
floor, again none of them seem to be awake. (I
am silently praising myself for not taking up his offer on the drink).
We then head out of the “Red room of
pain” (props to the ones who know where
that’s from, but this is a literal version & I’m sad to say his ripped
jeans didn’t have the same affect). As
we stroll out onto the back patio towards the pool he sways toward me and
whispers “Feel free to take a dip in the pool on your breaks” while pointing to
a sign that says No clothes necessary. I.am.going.to.vomit! We are still on the back patio and I’m aware
he’s talking but I’m not sure exactly what he’s saying UNTIL I hear the words
‘nude photographer’ I then gape at him, I’m sure my mouth was open, possibly
drool dripping from the sides. He eyes
me for a moment (or should I say EYE, singular, seeing as one of his eyes
doesn’t blink…it creeps me the hell out; you know, on top of everything else). He then points to a naked statue of David standing in his backyard. He is giggling at the fact that I’m temporarily
stuck in this gaping position and have no idea what to say. He then leans in towards me and whispers
“Were very liberal around here”.
That was it.
I break my temporary paralyses and
head back toward the dining room. I pick
up my purse and look him in the ‘eye’ and say “I’m sure you have other people
to interview, I must be going”. He is a
bit taken aback by my quick tone and returns with “Sounds good, I will give you
my card and we will be in touch, let me walk you out honey”. I practically run towards the front door as
he hands me his card, he gentle says “We’ll be in touch” I close the door and
shout “UMM, no we will not!”
Once out of the house I jump in
Julie’s car and scream DRIVE. NOW!
What the hell? Why me? I look back at this experience and have to
laugh! I mean come on, this is just my luck.
So, if I can take anything from this experience, it’s “never just walk
into a hard of hearing persons home”. No wait, umm “never agree to take the
tour”. Maybe, “drink the vodka, it will make you stronger”. Well, whichever one it may be, I’m sure I
won’t make the same mistake next time.
I haven’t
written in a while; maybe it’s because I have nothing to write about. My life is, well you'll see,
starting over can be a hard thing to do.
Let’s
start with boot-camp shall we. My sister
Julie and I have recently begun our “road to health”. It’s currently day 7 of boot-camp and I’m
really enjoying it. You see, Julie and I
are very different yet very alike. Different
because she is a super healthy eater; I’m talking this girl could be vegan
& me, well not so much. A difference
with me is I LOVE to workout, exercise just makes me happy & the endorphins
aren't bad either. So when we’re together
its great J she helps me with the eating, and
I help her with the boot-camp. I’m
hoping to be where I want to be by the New Year. New Year; new me!
You know,
these past couple of months have been nothing but chaotic. I’ve been to more than 5 states, stayed long
periods of time in 3 of them. I saw a
new branch of the Art Institute, ate the best burger of my life, discovered
family isn’t what I thought it was (or confirmed it’s exactly what I thought it
was), lost a part of me, found a part of me, baked lots of bread, made videos
to depressing Celine Dion songs, ate more than I should of, cried (a lot),
became closer with my best friend, experienced the most comfortable bed on
planet earth, watched an abundant amount of movies, cussed out invisible
people, re-united with the power of the speedy rewards card, went from Sussi to
Jessie, took my first bus trip (missed the first one and had to buy another
ticket may I add), took every wrong
exit, shared a beer with my daddy, drove a boat for the first time, competed in more than one ‘Olympic’
event, discovered scars don’t go away
easily, befriended cats, acted as a lawyer for my grandparents, came
face to face with the baked bean sandwich and drank way to much soda.
Now, let
me just say; some of those moments are completely unforgettable. The image of me jumping on the “most
comfortable bed on planet earth” screaming HATERS IN THE BUILDING is just one
of many. A friend once said she doesn’t
believe that everything happens for a reason; I gotta say, I’m with her on
that. Sometimes life just hands you “shitfest
2012” and there is no reason at all. Know
that sometimes it’s just not your fault.
You couldn’t have done anything differently; you couldn’t have made it
stop.
I believe
there are two types of people; emotional thinkers and logical thinkers. I am
100% an emotional thinker and believe me; it gets me into trouble A LOT! My
best friend is a logical thinker, if it weren’t for her I would be in the deep
end ALL THE TIME! She’s helped through a lot, gotten me out of
tough situations, and listened to me for hours on end repeat the same
conversation. She is so not emotional
(hehe, love you), so I want to take the time to really thank her. Thank you ‘weezer’, if it weren’t for you
they would have committed me a long time ago.
You’ve always been there even when I’m a giant emotional childish pain
in the ass. No matter what anyone says,
you’re my voodoo queen J Love you!
Well that
blog turned out to be more random than I expected. Well that’s what you get; me
throwing up my thoughts and emotions.
Moving on can be hard,
even painful. Having to leave all the
memories behind; even the good. I tell
myself it’s easier to deal with the pain of the bad just to remember the good. I can’t stand the thought of completely
forgetting these past 18 months. So much
happened, people happened; I had my world & the one’s I loved in it.
I’ve become so hard these
past few months. If you knew me before,
you would know I was “innocent” sort of speak. I could never stay mad at
anyone, or be mean to anyone. I loved
life & everyone in it; I had a desire for adventure & trying new
things. I was so easy to get along with
or become friends with. Nowadays I’m so
mad at the world people have to “tip-toe” around me. No one can tell me what to do or how to act;
I feel like they are trying to control me, trying to tell me how to live my
life & that instantly pisses me off.
I really don’t mean to be like that, I feel like I have to be on guard
all the time. I am having a hard time
trusting anyone or letting anyone in. I
don’t want them to know too much about me, it will make me vulnerable &
easy to hurt.
I need a new me, and
that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
I’m growing my hair out; tattoos are right around the corner! I’m
joining forces with my amazing sister & starting up “boot-camp”. I want to
start living again; I have been shutdown for way to long. My blog has been soppy & depressing, I am
so NOT that person. I really do love life
& everything in it. I know people
have rough spots, “bumps” in the road; I don’t want to be there anymore. I don’t want to be the girl that cries for no
reason, and hurts herself because that’s the only thing she thinks she can
control. I don’t want to be the girl who
is scared of moving on; because she doesn’t think anyone else could love her or
accept her. I don’t want to be the girl
that settles for “okay” when I know she can be great! I don’t want to be that girl, so from this
moment on I’m not going to be.
It’s definitely going to
be a lot of work. You can’t just wake up
a different person (well most of us).
You have to start somewhere,
And I decided to start
by heading back to school. I am super excited about this, I miss it so
much. I can’t wait for a “fresh”
start. I miss the feeling of
accomplishment & boy do I miss the teachers. I’ve also decided that once I’ve completed CulinarySchool, I’m going to stay
& do film school. I really do love
the area that I’m in & *smiles big* THE BEACH!
There is a lot about this
past year and a half that I’ve loved. I
have learned a lot about myself, being 21 and living on your own, you are going
to learn a lot. You have to make
decisions on your own, decide what’s best for you. I feel like I could have handled a lot of
things better when I was on my own.
Relationships got messy, really messy.
That door is still open for me, totally not an invitation; I’m just
having a really hard time closing it.
When you develop a lot of yourself around a
group of people then all of a sudden no one’s there anymore, it’s hard to get
used to; to be alone. They know so much
about me, they’ve been with me through so much.
I never wanted to shut them out, now I think it’s just best. It all comes back to moving on, getting on
with life. Yes, we had some amazing
times, but it’s over now. It’s okay to
forget them. Honestly it kinds feels
like they died; that sounds extremely horrible, but it was so sudden. One second they were in my life, the next
they weren’t. I just don’t know how else
to handle it, then to just completely shut them out. Someone once told me that they didn’t have to
talk to me for a year and we would still be friends. That’s not friends to me; you can’t NOT be a
part of someone’s life for a whole year and still consider them a
“friend”. That’s just not how it works;
in my mind. I know everyone is
different; but really? A year? To me
that sounds like they just didn’t want me in their lives anymore; and that’s
fine, totally fine, but just tell me. Okay, I’m done ranting about that,
definitely something I have to work on.
SIDE NOTE:
Just to let everyone know,
I am currently writing this in a bar in a city I’ve never been to before, and
I’m pretty sure it’s a little “ghetto”.
I’m not sure how to handle this, I am completely by myself & kind of
terrified. *nervous laugh* At least they have beer J
So where am I in
life? I am in the middle of some huge
changes, and like me and my “owner” like to call it SHITFEST 2012. But, with that said, I’m also still me. I have a goal & I will achieve it. From this day on I’m going to work my hardest
on concentrating on MY life, and what I want to do. I’m not going to allow other people to affect
me like I have been. I’m not going to be
controlled by anyone, or belittled by anyone.
From this day on, I’m going to be Jessica & nothing less! J
