Boot-camp, baked bean sandwiches and Voodoo queens...

I haven’t written in a while; maybe it’s because I have nothing to write about.  My life is, well you'll see, starting over can be a hard thing to do. 

Let’s start with boot-camp shall we.  My sister Julie and I have recently begun our “road to health”.  It’s currently day 7 of boot-camp and I’m really enjoying it.  You see, Julie and I are very different yet very alike.  Different because she is a super healthy eater; I’m talking this girl could be vegan & me, well not so much.  A difference with me is I LOVE to workout, exercise just makes me happy & the endorphins aren't bad either.  So when we’re together its great J she helps me with the eating, and I help her with the boot-camp.  I’m hoping to be where I want to be by the New Year.  New Year; new me! 

You know, these past couple of months have been nothing but chaotic.  I’ve been to more than 5 states, stayed long periods of time in 3 of them.  I saw a new branch of the Art Institute, ate the best burger of my life, discovered family isn’t what I thought it was (or confirmed it’s exactly what I thought it was), lost a part of me, found a part of me, baked lots of bread, made videos to depressing Celine Dion songs, ate more than I should of, cried (a lot), became closer with my best friend, experienced the most comfortable bed on planet earth, watched an abundant amount of movies, cussed out invisible people, re-united with the power of the speedy rewards card, went from Sussi to Jessie, took my first bus trip (missed the first one and had to buy another ticket may I add),  took every wrong exit,  shared a beer with my daddy,  drove a boat for the first time,  competed in more than one ‘Olympic’ event,  discovered scars don’t go away easily,  befriended cats,  acted as a lawyer for my grandparents, came face to face with the baked bean sandwich and drank way to much soda. 

Now, let me just say; some of those moments are completely unforgettable.  The image of me jumping on the “most comfortable bed on planet earth” screaming HATERS IN THE BUILDING is just one of many.  A friend once said she doesn’t believe that everything happens for a reason; I gotta say, I’m with her on that.  Sometimes life just hands you “shitfest 2012” and there is no reason at all.  Know that sometimes it’s just not your fault.  You couldn’t have done anything differently; you couldn’t have made it stop. 

I believe there are two types of people; emotional thinkers and logical thinkers. I am 100% an emotional thinker and believe me; it gets me into trouble A LOT! My best friend is a logical thinker, if it weren’t for her I would be in the deep end ALL THE TIME!  She’s helped through a lot, gotten me out of tough situations, and listened to me for hours on end repeat the same conversation.  She is so not emotional (hehe, love you), so I want to take the time to really thank her.  Thank you ‘weezer’, if it weren’t for you they would have committed me a long time ago.  You’ve always been there even when I’m a giant emotional childish pain in the ass.  No matter what anyone says, you’re my voodoo queen J Love you!

Well that blog turned out to be more random than I expected. Well that’s what you get; me throwing up my thoughts and emotions. 

With all my love,

Jessie

Shhh, she might get mad...

Moving on can be hard, even painful.  Having to leave all the memories behind; even the good.  I tell myself it’s easier to deal with the pain of the bad just to remember the good.  I can’t stand the thought of completely forgetting these past 18 months.  So much happened, people happened; I had my world & the one’s I loved in it. 

I’ve become so hard these past few months.  If you knew me before, you would know I was “innocent” sort of speak. I could never stay mad at anyone, or be mean to anyone.  I loved life & everyone in it; I had a desire for adventure & trying new things.  I was so easy to get along with or become friends with.  Nowadays I’m so mad at the world people have to “tip-toe” around me.  No one can tell me what to do or how to act; I feel like they are trying to control me, trying to tell me how to live my life & that instantly pisses me off.  I really don’t mean to be like that, I feel like I have to be on guard all the time.  I am having a hard time trusting anyone or letting anyone in.  I don’t want them to know too much about me, it will make me vulnerable & easy to hurt.

I need a new me, and that’s exactly what’s going to happen.  I’m growing my hair out; tattoos are right around the corner! I’m joining forces with my amazing sister & starting up “boot-camp”. I want to start living again; I have been shutdown for way to long.  My blog has been soppy & depressing, I am so NOT that person.  I really do love life & everything in it.  I know people have rough spots, “bumps” in the road; I don’t want to be there anymore.  I don’t want to be the girl that cries for no reason, and hurts herself because that’s the only thing she thinks she can control.  I don’t want to be the girl who is scared of moving on; because she doesn’t think anyone else could love her or accept her.  I don’t want to be the girl that settles for “okay” when I know she can be great!  I don’t want to be that girl, so from this moment on I’m not going to be. 

It’s definitely going to be a lot of work.  You can’t just wake up a different person (well most of us).  You have to start somewhere,

And I decided to start by heading back to school. I am super excited about this, I miss it so much.  I can’t wait for a “fresh” start.  I miss the feeling of accomplishment & boy do I miss the teachers.  I’ve also decided that once I’ve completed Culinary School, I’m going to stay & do film school.  I really do love the area that I’m in & *smiles big* THE BEACH!

There is a lot about this past year and a half that I’ve loved.  I have learned a lot about myself, being 21 and living on your own, you are going to learn a lot.  You have to make decisions on your own, decide what’s best for you.  I feel like I could have handled a lot of things better when I was on my own.  Relationships got messy, really messy.  That door is still open for me, totally not an invitation; I’m just having a really hard time closing it.

 When you develop a lot of yourself around a group of people then all of a sudden no one’s there anymore, it’s hard to get used to; to be alone.  They know so much about me, they’ve been with me through so much.  I never wanted to shut them out, now I think it’s just best.  It all comes back to moving on, getting on with life.   Yes, we had some amazing times, but it’s over now.  It’s okay to forget them.  Honestly it kinds feels like they died; that sounds extremely horrible, but it was so sudden.  One second they were in my life, the next they weren’t.  I just don’t know how else to handle it, then to just completely shut them out.  Someone once told me that they didn’t have to talk to me for a year and we would still be friends.  That’s not friends to me; you can’t NOT be a part of someone’s life for a whole year and still consider them a “friend”.  That’s just not how it works; in my mind.  I know everyone is different; but really? A year?  To me that sounds like they just didn’t want me in their lives anymore; and that’s fine, totally fine, but just tell me. Okay, I’m done ranting about that, definitely something I have to work on.

SIDE NOTE:

Just to let everyone know, I am currently writing this in a bar in a city I’ve never been to before, and I’m pretty sure it’s a little “ghetto”.  I’m not sure how to handle this, I am completely by myself & kind of terrified. *nervous laugh* At least they have beer J

So where am I in life?  I am in the middle of some huge changes, and like me and my “owner” like to call it SHITFEST 2012.  But, with that said, I’m also still me.  I have a goal & I will achieve it.  From this day on I’m going to work my hardest on concentrating on MY life, and what I want to do.  I’m not going to allow other people to affect me like I have been.  I’m not going to be controlled by anyone, or belittled by anyone.  From this day on, I’m going to be Jessica & nothing less! J

True Colors

I’ve been told a lot lately that I’ve been living “my” life in the wrong ways.  “My” life; aren’t I supposed to live it the way I see fit.  I’ve recently fallen into myself, finding out what I like; what I don’t like.  Seeing what I believe in; and what I question.  These things are part of our journey, part of growing into the people we want to be.   Having someone tell you that you’re not a good person to “look up to” because of some of the choices you made; hurts.  I am SO sorry that you can’t believe the things I say because of the way I was raised.  I didn’t have a choice in that matter, and I’ve done absolutely nothing to you to deserve that.  That’s completely wrong to put that sort of judgment on me; and you know it.

I’ve gotten to the point in my life when someone says something I don’t agree with; I tell them.  I can’t sit back and allow people to criticize my life; they have absolutely NO idea who I am.  They are so focused on what they see and read on facebook, that by the time I talk to them; they’ve already made up on their minds on me.  People talk shit of facebook; its kinda what it’s for!  If you have a problem with something call me; message me.  DO SOMETHING! Don’t sit there and assume that you know what’s going on; act on it.  If you really wanted a relationship you would put forth an effort to have one. 

I’m gonna be completely honest here; I drink, I used to smoke, I cuss like a sailor when the timing is right & NO I don’t care what you think.  I’m 21; yes, you were 21 at some point; yes.  That doesn’t give you a right to tell me how I’m thinking.  Everything is different, everyone is different.   I plan on having an amazing life; living it to the fullest; enjoying moments while I can.  I know exactly where I want to be in 5 years, 10 years.  I know who I want to be. 

Another issue that’s been pushed on me a lot lately is God.  I was raised in a Baptist church. I watched the congregation judge everyone who didn’t fall into line. I also watched my family explode from the inside out; all the while claiming to be Christians.  (This is by no means a hit on my family, these are my personal beliefs.)  People are people to me. Yes I believe in God; but I also believe that all religions are the same.  They all want something bigger to believe in.  The world is such a harsh place, and they need something to comfort them; someone.  I don’t believe in “organized religion” I don’t believe you have to be in church to be a good person. 

I believe there is more to this world than people want to admit.  If I’ve learned nothing over this past year or so; I’ve learned that the universe has a lot to offer.  Put positive energy into the world, and that is what you will get back; same with negative.  Religious people are nothing but negative, bashing others; just because they’re different.  Who cares who you love; love is love whether it is with a women or a man; black or white it doesn’t matter.  At least it shouldn’t matter; but the world nowadays is so filled with hate, and most of that hate is coming from these religious groups, telling people how they should live.  Saying who is “right” and who is “wrong”.  So what do I believe in? Where do I stand? I stand for what’s right in MY eyes; and that’s how it’s always going to be.

So, to wrap things up I guess I’ll just say this.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry you feel so unsatisfied with your own life that you need to try and run mine.  I’m sorry you can’t just love someone for who they are.  (Actions speak louder than words; you said that yourself…remember?)  I’m sorry that you will never truly understand who I am, because you’re not willing to take the time too.  I’m sorry you don’t believe the things I’ve told you; even though they were extremely hard to tell.  I’m sorry that we will never really have a relationship; did we ever?  And I’m sorry that all I can do is feel “sorry”…for you.