Bud, Ben, Jerry & our house ghost.

As I sit here alone drinking a bud light (which has been a new thing) and eating ben & jerry’s half baked ice cream I think to myself; Jesus Christ my life has gotten pathetic.  It’s amazing how easy it is to go from “wow, my life is great” to well….shit! I seem to have lost more than I’ve gained over the past few months.

  One of the biggest is school.  I’ve bitched and moaned more than anyone when it came time to go to class, but deep down it was where I loved being.  It’s where I met some amazing people, people that have taught me so much in life and have been there for me even though they’ve only just started getting to know me.  Now that I’ve been forced out, a piece of me went with it. 

I used to know where I was going, I could see what I wanted and I knew one day I was going to get it.  (side note: did you see how many I’s were in that sentence)

Now I look down the road, and there’s nothing but a blurred sense of reality, a dull glow left from what used to be my dreams.  I literally have no clue where I want to go from here.  I have so many ideas, no really SOOOOOO many ideas, just ask my friends; they’ll tell ya.  I want to be a better person; no I need to be a better person.  I have zero self satisfaction.  I feel like I’ve failed on many levels, and now I’m just a weight having to be carried by the better people in my life.  (Side note: I am writing this in the dining room of our extremely creepy yet lovely house.. in the dark.. alone.. and I swear I just saw something. Okay sussi, just breathe.. wooohh)

 I am 21, this mid-life crisis crap isn't suppose to happen yet. Wait? Do girls get mid-life crisis's? hmmm..

Anyways, why does bad always seem to outweigh the good?   Why does this have to happen WHEN I’m supposed to be having the best years of my life?  I just don’t get it, I don’t get why drama has to envelop my life.  I feel like that horrible girl that no one wants to hang out with because she’s always one step away from reality TV.  (side note: this is the type of shit that happens when I get left alone with alcohol)  As I move on to round two with bud and shovel another spoonful of creamy goodness down my throat I realize that sentence sounded a lot like the first one.  Oh well!  

Here goes nothing.. or something..umm cake?

I've never been considered a good writer, so why in the hell am I starting a blog; beats me. I need to figure out where I want to be in life, I'm hoping this'll help. We shall find out soon enough. So, a little about me.  I grew up moving around a lot (now when I say a lot, I mean over 30 times). Not an army brat, parents just couldn't make up there minds (sorry parents). Moving around a lot caused me to switch schools, finally at high school I gave up; and began homeschooling. I grew up sheltered, was forced to go to church, never really seeing what life had to offer. Not saying I don't believe in God, but I believe there's more to the story. Now, let me just say, I loved my childhood.  Innocence is bliss, I never really knew that until I grew up.

So, now i'm 21, moved out of the house & in with friends, i'm really starting to experience life & what it has to offer. I'm not tied down in any way, and that is liberating.

 I love life & want to seek adventure & the unknown; I want to find truth & love. I want to discover other cultures, and befriend my neighbors. I want the world to learn from my mistakes, and triumph at my victories. I want to be loved in a way that even my enemies would feel passion.

I want to not sweat the smalls things, but enjoy them.
I want people to know they can trust me with their deepest secrets without judgment.

When I cry, I want people to know it has meaning.
When I laugh, they won't be able to resist being happy.

I want the world to see something in me.
See somebody that's worth it.

I want the world to see what I'm really capable of.

& I want cake.
-Sussi